“Narcissistic parents don’t raise children. They raise extensions of themselves.”— Dr. Ramani Durvasula
“Petals Under Her Heel”
Invisible Wounds and Heavy Burdens :
When upbringing is shaped by a narcissistic mother, the damage is not only overwhelming—it is often invisible.
In many households, especially where traditional or patriarchal values still hold sway, elder daughters often carry an invisible burden. They are raised not only as children but as emotional sponges, and identity extensions of their parents—particularly their mothers. When the mother figure is narcissistic, the consequences for the elder daughter can be deeply scarring and long-lasting.
Understanding Narcissistic Parenting :
A narcissistic parent is often self-centered, emotionally immature, and obsessed with maintaining a certain image. They may view their children not as individuals with their own desires and feelings, but as tools for validation.In such relationships, love becomes conditional. The child is valued not for who she is, but for what she does—how well she performs, how much she sacrifices, and how closely she aligns with the mother’s idealized vision.
For elder daughters, this dynamic is especially toxic. They are often assigned adult responsibilities at an early age, expected to be perfect, to parent their siblings, to uphold family reputation, and to achieve what the narcissistic mother couldn’t. These daughters become “the project”—someone to live through, control, and shape according to the mother’s whims.
The Trap of Over-Expectation :
Narcissistic mothers place unreasonably high expectations on their eldest daughters. They must be:
Domestic excellency, Emotionally strong, Socially flawless, Endlessly obedient and many more.
The mother projects her own unfulfilled dreams onto the daughter, expecting her to succeed where she failed. But these expectations often ignore the daughter’s own interests, capabilities, and well-being.When the daughter inevitably fails to meet these unrealistic standards—because no one can live up to such pressure—the mother’s disappointment turns into cruelty.Love is withdrawn. Affection becomes rare. Praise is replaced by criticism, ridicule, or even humiliation.The daughter becomes the scapegoat, bearing the brunt of the mother’s rage, frustration, and emotional instability.
The Path to Healing :
When Parents possess narcissism, it can truly change the way their children perceive life, their self confidence, self worth and most importantly forming healthy relationships with other people.Needless to say, it all goes down the drain.
But, Healing also means forgiving oneself—not the parent—for having survived in whatever way was necessary.It means learning to love oneself without needing to earn it.It means choosing peace over perfection.It’s a slow process—but a powerful one. Through therapy, self-awareness, boundary-setting, and reconnecting with one’s authentic self, one can begin to break free from the cycle of pain and start writing a new story—one rooted in truth, not trauma.
A New Ending
Perhaps the most important realization a victim of a narcissistic mother can have is this: She is not broken—she was wounded.And wounds can be healed with truth, with time, and with tenderness.>
“When we deny the story, it defines us. When we own the story, we can write a brave new ending.”— Brené Brown
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